Today 23-year-old Cecilie Lerkilde has succeeded in limiting the total amount of time she spends on studying and lectures to a normal working week.

"I’ve started saying that I want to be good at my subject, rather than that I must get straight As at every single exam. It’s a bit more realistic," she says with a smile.

Cecilie Lerkilde seems settled and in control. She has experienced how it is to put so much pressure on yourself that you reach a point where the hunt for perfection becomes unhealthy for both body and mind.

Now she is trying to rediscover the enjoyment of studying on a degree programme that almost pushed her over the edge. At the same time, she hopes that her story can lead to more students openly talking about stress.   

The degree programme of her dreams

Cecilie Lerkilde had great expectations in the summer of 2013 when she began studying medicine at AU. Both when it came to the degree programme and her own performance. She wanted to do well. She therefore put a lot of pressure on herself during the exam period in the first semester. Nonetheless, she was uncertain whether it was enough.  

"I was nervous and being able to do well here really meant a lot to me," she says. 

It went well and Cecilie could breathe a sigh of relief. But after only three weeks of the new semester her class was told that they might as well start getting ready for the exam. That message hit Cecilie like a punch to the stomach. 

No energy

"Damn, I’ve only just passed all my subjects. I can’t start studying for exams already," she thought. Nevertheless, she conscientiously began doing just that. 

Even though Cecilie had lectures until 18:00 several times a week, she did not relax when she came home. Instead she studied. And between lectures she met with her study group to revise the material. 

"I didn’t take the time to recover and recharge my batteries for the following day. So I was exhausted when Friday arrived," she says.

Fitness day and lasagne from scratch

This meant that Cecilie withdrew more and more from her social life. She simply did not have the energy to go out. She also stopped working as a voluntary first-aid helper in an attempt to manage all the studying that she wanted to do. 

"I certainly don’t think it was the optimal way to do things, but everyone says they study just as much. So in a way we also mutually put pressure on each other within the degree programme," says Cecilie and continues:

"And at the same time there is also an expectation to do well socially, make your lasagne from scratch and do weekly strength-training sessions at the fitness centre. It’s just not possible to do it all."     

A wall of silence

Cecilie found it was impossible to share her concerns with others on the degree programme.

"It’s not acceptable to say that you think it’s hard sometimes to balance your week or that you think the material is really difficult," she says.

In the middle of the semester Cecilie tried anyway during a break in lectures, and she remembers that it went “completely quiet’”, she remembers. "No response."  

Not even among the members of Cecilie’s former study group could she find understanding.

"Normally you have a study group so you can support each other with the material and keep up your motivation for studying. But that wasn't my experience at all. I think it was more of a competition to find out who could manage to do most and do best," she says. 

Could always do better

To find some understanding for her worries, Cecilie sought help from the student guidance office. They suggested how she could structure her time and helped her make a weekly plan.

But Cecilie did not succeed in following the plan, even though it only gave her one day off a week. 

"I found it difficult to close a book and put it down when I was supposed to. Because there was more time to study, so of course I could do better. But the problem is that when you have an idea that everything must be perfect, then you have also already lost," she says.

lnstead, Cecilie got an appointment with the Student Counselling Service and three consultations with a psychologist, who told her that it was important to keep hold of leisure activities, family and friends. Because if you only have the degree programme and that then falls apart for you, then your whole world also falls apart, said the psychologist.  

"She was right about that. I just couldn't look at it rationally back then. I was under so much pressure and I was so tired. I only thought about the pages that I was supposed to read for the following day. I simply had to study regardless of whether I felt stressed or upset."

Working day: 09:00 - 02:00

Cecilie had ended up in a downward spiral. The more she isolated herself with her books, and the more pressure she heaped on herself, the harder it became to concentrate on what she read. As the exam approached, Cecilie regularly broke down. 

"It could be a completely ordinary Wednesday morning where I cried continuously for two hours. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning and feel totally unhappy because I knew I could not do everything I wanted to," she says.

Up until the exam, only the books were left. Cecilie could not even find time to go out for a run. She was studying uninterrupted from the moment she got up in the morning until one or two o’clock at night.

"I was afraid that I would not get through enough. But nothing stuck no matter how much I read," she says.

Not eating was the final straw

During the exam period Cecilie felt so powerless that it began to affect her eating habits. 

"Even though I couldn’t control anything else, one of the only things I could control was my food. That was where I transferred because I didn’t know what I should do otherwise," she says.

It was also a wake-up call for Cecilie, who could suddenly see that things were not the way they should be. 

“I just thought: Okay, something has gone wrong now. I wouldn’t have been able to see it at the beginning of the semester. Because then I just thought that was the way things were. Of course studying is hard," she says.

Dropped her exams

Cecilie decided to drop her exam and get in touch with a private psychologist to get some help so she could get back on track again.

I'm doing a degree programme that I really want to do. But I said to myself that if I ever get into this kind of situation again, then I won’t just carry on. So I therefore have to do something to get through it in a sensible way," she says.

But the decision to drop the exam was not easy. On the contrary.

"I was really in doubt. It was an unbelievably hard decision to make and a and huge failure in the beginning. Both personally and socially. I had always said to myself: of course you’re going to do well," she says.      

Enthusiasm returned

Nevertheless, Cecilie is happy with her choice and with sessions with the psychologist. She has rediscovered her desire to study again.

"I have found out that I win more in the end by lowering my expectations and listening more to myself and my body. If I sit and study but can feel that I’m not getting anything from it, I close the book and go for a run instead," she says.

And it is not only when it comes to studying that Cecilie has become better at listening to herself. The same applies in social contexts.

"It’s important for me to maintain the social aspect as otherwise things don’t work for me. But I don't have to spend all evening in Friday bar if I don’t have the energy. A couple of hours is also okay," she says.

The name in the article is not the student’s real name, but Cecilie’s real name is known to the editors.

Translated by Peter Lambourne